Writer: John Swetnam
Director: Steven Quale
IMDb
synopsis: Storm trackers, thrill-seekers, and everyday townspeople document an
unprecedented onslaught of tornadoes touching down in the town of Silverton.
What
it actually is: The bastard, red-headed stepchild (no offense to
bastards, gingers or stepchildren) of Twister, a far superior in every way tornado disaster movie shot nearly 20 years ago. I love Twister so much this film offends
me. I'm actually offended, guys.
Review:
Confession:
I’m a sucker for big budget disaster movies. They're one of my guilty
pleasures. Once in a while one comes along that is
surprisingly great: a character driven plot with well-developed characters I find myself caring about to lead the way. It just so happens that the story is taking
place while --- insert natural disaster here --- ravages the countryside.
Twister
is one of those movies. Into The Storm is not. Into The Storm is the furthest
thing from one of those movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen The Day After Tomorrow.
Where
to begin? Start with something nice, maybe? Okay. Well…the special effects are pretty good.
Warning: spoilers ahead but it doesn’t matter. It won’t be the spoilers
that ruin this movie for you.
The
film follows the footage/reality television model because that's never been done before. Richard
Armitage plays Gary, the widower dad. He’s the vice principal of the local high
school and vaguely disappointed in/vaguely worried he’s not a good enough dad for
his sons, Donnie and Trey, played by Max Deacon and Nathan Press,
respectively. Gary's vague disappointment in Donnie sends Donnie and his Love Interest directly into harm's way, obviously. I’m not sure how Gary made it all the way to vice principal. He allows the outdoor graduation ceremony to
go on as planned even though there are tornado warnings in the area. I think Gary is
supposed to be sexy and strong and swoon-worthy but Richard’s Candian/Australian/American
hybrid “American” accent was too distracting to notice any of that. Most baffling? Richard Armitage is British. Go
figure.
Sarah
Wayne Callies, of The Walking Dead fame, plays Allison, a single mom who is
vaguely worried she’s not a good enough mom for her five year old daughter who we only see once and it's via Skype so who cares? To be
honest, Allison has a point. Dumping off your kid off with grandma for months while
you chase death storms isn’t the best way to create stability in your child's life. Allison is
the… science lady on a storm chaser reality show team and tells the leader of the pack
where to drive his tank/weather mobile.
Matt
Walsh plays said leader, Pete. I don’t know anything
about Matt Walsh. I don’t know what other movies he’s been in and after this I don’t want
to know. Apologies to any fans he may
have but he’s awful in this film. The character is awful, his acting is awful. The
only way his acting could be called good is if this movie were a
Saturday Night Live skit.
It
doesn’t help that Pete is a dick. Not a dick like you can see why he’s a dick
because somebody he loved screwed him over or died or something. He’s just an asshole
to everybody on his team, especially Allison and his main cameraman who has a name but I
can’t remember it and that doesn’t matter because he’s not developed at all so
who cares, who is terrified of tornadoes. (So, great career choice there.) Asshole
Pete fires Allison when the weather doesn’t do exactly what she predicted it
would do, because weather is totally predictable and meteorologists are never
wrong about it. I’m not sure why anybody
on Pete’s team works for him. Seven seconds after Pete fires Allison the sky starts spitting out hail the
size of golf balls and she’s back on board and not fired anymore, I guess, because
off they go chasing tornadoes again for no apparent reason except shits and giggles.
I think Pete is supposed to evolve and be
likeable by the end but I found myself begging for one of the twisters to get
him. When one finally does I cheered and scared the shit out of my cat.
This
is why Twister was so great: Helen Hunt plays Jo. Jo witnessed her father death
from a tornado when she was a small child. She’s dedicated her life since then to
tracking and studying tornados, in the hopes of developing a more accurate
warning system and in doing so save a shit ton of lives. Bill Paxton plays Bill, Jo's estranged and soon to be ex-husband who clearly still love her and always will but was driven away by her obsession with chasing tornadoes. He arrives with his new fiance to get the divorce papers but soon realizes he misses the chase and Jo and tells her: "One day. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not I'm gone." Sigh. Have I mentioned how much I love Twister? This
is all established in the first 15 minutes of Twister. The only explanation we get for why Pete is tracking tornadoes is “I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life. Don’t let me
down.” No reason why he’s been waiting
for this his whole life he just has, okay, so don’t screw it up. During
the third act there is a line of dialogue from Pete that suggests he’s been
chasing tornadoes for scientific/heroic reasons. Basically, a “save
my work to save humanity” moment before he runs off to his (noble, of course) death.
This is first and only time we hear of Pete’s science/heroics and the third act isn’t the best time to introduce
vital back story.
LOL Moment #1: Donnie and Donnie’s Love Interest are trapped beneath the rubble of
the old chemical plant, where he’s helping Love Interest re-film some video
that has been corrupted, or something, when a tornado strikes. Love Interest
cuts her ankle in the fall. (It’s a cut only slightly larger than a scratch. This is
a movie about a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of devastating tornadoes and this is about the worst injury in the film.) Donnie finds a piece of cloth and WRAPS THE
PIECE OF CLOTH AROUND HER ANKLE AND TIES IT to stop the “bleeding”. Love Interest’s response? *swoony eyes*“Where’d
you learn to do that?” Idk, kindergarten?
LOL Moment #2: Donnie leaves an emotional goodbye video on his still functioning cell phones seconds before he drowns under the rubble from a burst pipe. I sneeze too close to my phone and the moisture ruins it forever.
LOL Moment #3: Gary
valiantly saves Donnie’s life by performing “CPR” despite the fact that his hand
is clearly clamped firmly over Donnie’s mouth when he does the breathing part, like a teenager practicing kissing on his own hand.
Oh,
I think Gary and Allison fall in love with each other at some point. I think.
Great
Cinema/Awful Cinema Verdict: Awful Cinema. And I went for the $19.99 HD version
instead of the $14.99 SD version on Amazon. Dammit.
~ Kristen
